How to talk to your loved one about getting their symptoms evaluated

How to Talk to Your Loved One About Getting Their Symptoms Evaluated

Has someone you love started to seem more confused, worried, or irritable? Or maybe they are sleeping more, losing interest in favorite activities, drinking more than usual, or simply not acting like themselves. Letting them know you’re concerned is important, but what comes next? This caregiver’s guide to taking the next step after noticing mental health, memory, behavior, or substance use changes can give you and your loved one a road map on how to find and start the right kind of care.

Setting up the conversation

Before talking to your loved one, you can note what you’ve been seeing. This information will be helpful at doctors' appointments and evaluations, too. 

Write down:

• Changes in sleep, mood, appetite, energy, memory, or behavior
• Missed medications or appointments
• Difficulty completing familiar tasks
• Falls, confusion, or poor judgment
• Increased alcohol or medication use
• Recent illnesses, losses, moves, or medication changes

To make the conversation about setting up an evaluation feel calmer and less confrontational, focus on the signs you’ve been seeing instead of what diagnosis you think they have. 

It’s important to avoid opening with a possible diagnosis because words like dementia, psychiatrist, addiction, or mental illness can feel frightening or stigmatizing.

For example, instead of saying, “You seem depressed,” talk about how you’ve noticed a pattern in how they’ve been lately, such as skipping their weekly card game for three weeks.

Instead of saying, “Your memory is getting bad,” you can offer to write down the answer to what they’ve asked you several times to ease into asking if they’ve been having a hard time remembering things recently.

Other ways you can start the conversation could be by focusing on everyday concerns such as sleep, stress, pain, grief, memory, medication, drinking, or difficulty managing day-to-day life.

“I’ve noticed you haven’t been sleeping well, and you seem more tired than usual. I care about you, and I think it may be worth getting checked.”

“You haven’t seemed like yourself lately. Have you noticed that too?”

Start getting answers

Changes in memory, mood, behavior, sleep, or substance use can have many possible causes. These may include depression, medication side effects, metabolic or endocrine conditions, infection-related delirium, substance use, mild cognitive impairment, or dementia. Some causes can be treated or improved once they are diagnosed. Focusing on the benefits of getting answers and treatments can help your loved one feel more willing to seek support.

During a private, unrushed time, you might say:

“There could be a health or medication reason you have been feeling this way.”

“Let’s get more information before we decide what any of this means. We can talk to your doctor to see how we can make you feel better.”

“I love you, and I want to make sure there isn’t a health reason for these changes.”

Listening can help you understand whether their resistance comes from fear, embarrassment, cost concerns, an experience with care, or worry about losing control. To find out more, you can also ask them:

“What has felt harder lately?”

“Have you noticed any changes in your sleep or energy?”

“What are you most worried a doctor’s appointment might mean?”

“What would make getting checked out feel easier?”

“What would you tell a friend who was experiencing these same changes?”

Setting up an appointment may feel more worthwhile when it is connected to a personal goal, such as sleeping better, driving safely, staying active, or spending time with grandchildren. Many older adults are also concerned that admitting something has changed could threaten their independence. Explain how an evaluation may help protect the life they want to keep living by saying something like:

“I think getting some answers can help you start sleeping better again and having more energy.”

“I know staying in your home matters to you. Getting this checked may help us support that.”

“I want you to feel well enough to keep seeing your friends and doing the things you enjoy.”

“I’m not trying to take over. I want to help you stay in charge of your health.” 

It also helps to research one or two realistic options in advance, such as a primary care appointment, a virtual visit, or a clinician who specializes in older adult mental health. This helps you have next steps available and ready at the moment.

Preparing for an appointment

Once your loved one agrees to be seen and an appointment is scheduled, gather:

• A list of current medications, vitamins, and supplements
• Notes about when the changes began
• Examples of changes in mood, memory, sleep, behavior, or substance use
• Recent illnesses, falls, hospital visits, or major life events
• Questions your loved one wants answered

Ask if they want you to go with them or need help with getting there if it’s an in-person appointment. Respect their privacy and seek permission before sharing your notes unless an immediate safety concern makes urgent action necessary.

An evaluation may provide answers during the first visit, or it may lead to additional testing and appointments. Either way, it creates a starting point and a step closer to your loved one feeling better.

At Author Health, we help older adults and families make sense of changes in mood, memory, behavior, substance use, and daily life. Our team listens to what has been happening, completes an assessment, and helps identify care that fits each person’s needs.

You do not need to know the diagnosis before reaching out. You only need to know that something has changed and deserves attention.